A Small Rant About Life and Expectations.

Just a little ramble

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Have you ever felt like your life just isn’t that way it should be? Like you have this image in your head of who you are and who you want to become and those two things just feel like their never going to meet? I personally have multiple goals that i want to achieve in my lifetime; I want to publish my own book, travel the world, move into my own home, have dogs (so, so, so, so many dogs) and achieve my own independence as a human being; and of I’m ever feeling particularly confident in myself and self-esteem maybe even make a Youtube channel one day. Yet, I find myself in a place that is seemingly going nowhere, yes; I am in university going towards achieving a bachelor’s degree and possibly even a masters; and yes, I have started writing something (which is far from anywhere near being ready to be read) and yes, I have this blog here where i can express my passions to people who are like minded. But i feel as if I’m stuck forever int his situation without any capability of moving forward. I see people going to different continents and finding love, moving out and starting off in their dream careers whereas my life remains stagnant and the most exciting thing I experience is getting a good mark back on an assignment.

Am I just in this stagnant state of living which needs to remain unchanging until i have finished my degree and then I can successfully start living my life? Or am I missing all the important things that people are experiencing and that I am going to one day regret not doing? I do have these moments of bright possibility in which i start planing what I am going to do once I graduate; but these are all infringing on the decisions and judgements of others. Is that any way to live? should I be out there gripping life by the horns and living every moment to the fullest at the possible suffering of my grades (which believe me would happen) or is the safest route to just bide my time until I am academically free and then live in a state of permanent Carpe Diem? At least until my feet need to touch the ground again.

Maybe some things are meant to be waited for so that when I do eventually experience them I can do so would without the stress of academia sitting on my back like an unfortunate squatter. Or perhaps its not a case of either/or. Maybe I can do little bits of both, I can take whatever free time I have to follow my stationary passions and when i am free from Academic expectations I can take flight around the globe and take some career risks? Is that the way to go?

This stereotype of the ‘golden age’ of living is really an atrocious expectation to live up to. Shows need to stop perpetuating this culture of partying and stupidity experienced at a peak young age, do they writers ever stop to consider that not everyone like that kind of thing? Personally, the idea of dancing like a moron in a hot, sweaty, claustrophobic space with drunk idiots feeling me up like I am a prized pig… holds no pull on me, I’d personally rather sit on a beach, in a hammock, in the sun with a really good book. I don’t find anything appealing about getting drunk, having one-night-stands and wearing shoes that I am going to regret. And according to popular culture and media this makes me a freak? Why? Does youth really need to be immature, stupid and crazy to really be properly experienced? Can’t you live a quiet life and not regret it? Sure, some crazy could be cathartic. But is it necessary to be done through crazy and dangerous actions? Couldn’t someone just get culturally and spiritually lost in a city and be experiencing youth? Or even following their own passions that are more of an academic value? Is it really necessary to have crazy stories about stupidity to be considered as having “lived your life to the fullest”.

I hope not, as otherwise I might seriously consider becoming a hermit.

Thanks for listening/ reading to my small rant.

Til Next Time,

L.K.

Thoughts on Relationships and Dating.

Had a late night thought and figured I’d share it.

I’m not really like ordinary people; yes I realise most people say that needing to feel unique and individual and all; when in reality we’re all just a flock of sheep; bit all the same flock mind you but the metaphor is still true. But in this case I was really a part of the minority. See way back when I was in high school I had something about me that was different from everyone else; I didn’t spend half my time worrying about the concept of dating, having a boyfriend/girlfriend etc. I was more than content to sit back and enjoy my HS experience without all that relationship drama. Even up until the point where I got my first boyfriend, which I now point out wasn’t really idea.

I was peer pressured into it so to speak; by two of my friends. Why they did that I can only theorise; and the only explanation that I can come up with is that, my friends who were a group of people constantly changing relationship combinations were people who subconsciously sought these relationships as a way to feel good about themselves, to have self-esteem and confidence boosts; and me as someone who was comfortable in their own skin without any help was a huge contrast to this making them feel (again I stress the word subconsciously) self-conscious about their way of life, so they tried to bring me into the fold to survive essentially. See, there was this guy who was really sweet and incredibly shy and because of this two of my friends thought we were perfect for each other, when in reality I don’t think either of us liked each other in that way; but with some huge amount of meddling on my friends part he asked me out and incredibly uncomfortable but absolutely terrified of hitting the poor kid (who seemed as fragile as spun glass to me) I said yes. Oh boy.

Anyway it was incredibly awkward, especially when he tried to kiss me; it was in the quadrangle and it was absolutely busy with other people when he started to lean in; feeling like people were staring and gawking at me I freaked out and ducked my head (later I found out that a group of my friends were in fact staring raptly). To this day I’m still made fun of for it. But do I regret it? No. I wasn’t ready, nor was I comfortable so it was the right decision. Anyway we later mutually broke up, and instead of feeling sad about loosing my first BF I felt hugely relieved (so much so that I later licked a guys face; another story for another time). From then on I left dating to the people who liked having a relationship.

Until yet again peer pressure struck, and I ended up being convinced somehow that a man I had been friends with for 8 years and saw as an annoying brother at times; was someone I had a crush on and had to ask out, the convincing was done by the same people might I add, and like the first time this one went just as well. I had five seconds of “he actually said yes?!?” Which then came crashing down to “I don’t actually like this guy, %^*+” naturally we broke up and the bloke took it fairly well. Nice man.

But I find myself thinking about relationship number 2 now and… instead of thinking about those dates; sighing dramatically and thinking “that’d be amazing doing all that with someone I love” I just shrug, cringe a little and move on with my thoughts. Even now I think about my future if I didn’t force myself to waste my time with some guy in order to fulfil society’s expectations until “Mr. Right” comes around; I see being in a apartment by myself, surrounded by all my favourite colours, kinds of furniture, my books, having the music up on any song I like while I walk around with no Bra, a loose top and my underwear… I’m not worried, I actually look forward to it. Am I just one of those women who are okay being by themselves, because if so.. okay! To hell with societies expectations!!

People, from one lone wolf to another; if you don’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend etc. that’s fine! Live by yourselves, love yourself without the validation with others, howl at the moon!

Be whoever you want to be! And if that involves being with someone else, then okay! But no matter who you are don’t force your way of life on others, as someone who was on that end of the shit stick; it’s really not that fun.

As for me, if I ever god forbid get lonely and I want someone to love and spoil and who I want to love me unconditionally and go for long walks on the beach; I’ll get a dog.

Til next time,

L.K